clock speed
solar flares
electromagnetic radiation from satellite debris
static from nylon underwear
static from plastic slide rules
global warming
poor power conditioning
static buildup
doppler effect
hardware stress fractures
magnetic interference from money/credit cards
dry joints on cable plug
we’re waiting for [the phone company] to fix that line
sounds like a Windows problem, try calling Microsoft support
temporary routing anomaly
somebody was calculating pi on the server
fat electrons in the lines
excess surge protection
floating point processor overflow
divide-by-zero error
POSIX compliance problem
monitor resolution too high
improperly oriented keyboard
network packets travelling uphill (use a carrier pigeon)
Decreasing electron flux
first Saturday after first full moon in Winter
radiosity depletion
CPU radiator broken
It works the way the Wang did, what’s the problem
positron router malfunction
cellular telephone interference
techtonic stress
piezo-electric interference
(l)user error
working as designed
dynamic software linking table corrupted
heavy gravity fluctuation, move computer to floor rapidly
secretary plugged hairdryer into UPS
terrorist activities
not enough memory, go get system upgrade
interrupt configuration error
spaghetti cable cause packet failure
boss forgot system password
bank holiday - system operating credits  not recharged
virus attack, luser responsible
waste water tank overflowed onto computer
Complete Transient Lockout
bad ether in the cables
Bogon emissions
Change in Earth’s rotational speed
Cosmic ray particles crashed through the hard disk platter
Smell from unhygienic janitorial staff wrecked the tape heads
Little hamster in running wheel had coronary; waiting for replacement to be Fedexed from Wyoming
Evil dogs hypnotised the night shift
Plumber mistook routing panel for decorative wall fixture
Electricians made popcorn in the power supply
Groundskeepers stole the root password
high pressure system failure
failed trials, system needs redesigned
system has been recalled
not approved by the FCC
need to wrap system in aluminum foil to fix problem
not properly grounded, please bury computer
CPU needs recalibration
system needs to be rebooted
bit bucket overflow
descramble code needed from software company
only available on a need to know basis
knot in cables caused data stream to become twisted and kinked
nesting roaches shorted out the ether cable
The file system is full of it
Satan did it
Daemons did it
You’re out of memory
There isn’t any problem
Unoptimized hard drive
Typo in the code
Yes, yes, its called a design limitation
Look, buddy:  Windows 3.1 IS A General Protection Fault.
That’s a great computer you have there; have you considered how it would work as a BSD machine?
Please excuse me, I have to circuit an AC line through my head to get this database working.
Yeah, yo mama dresses you funny and you need a mouse to delete files.
Support staff hung over, send aspirin and come back LATER.
Someone is standing on the ethernet cable, causing a kink in the cable
Windows 95 undocumented “feature”
Runt packets
Password is too complex to decrypt
Boss’ kid fucked up the machine
Electromagnetic energy loss
Budget cuts
Mouse chewed through power cable
Stale file handle (next time use Tupperware™!)
Feature not yet implemented
Internet outage
Pentium FDIV bug
Vendor no longer supports the product
Small animal kamikaze attack on power supplies
The vendor put the bug there.
SIMM crosstalk.
IRQ dropout
Collapsed Backbone
Power company testing new voltage spike (creation) equipment
operators on strike due to broken coffee machine
backup tape overwritten with copy of system manager’s favourite CD
UPS interrupted the server’s power
The electrician didn’t know what the yellow cable was so he yanked the ethernet out.
The keyboard isn’t plugged in
The air conditioning water supply pipe ruptured over the machine room
The electricity substation in the car park blew up.
The rolling stones concert down the road caused a brown out
The salesman drove over the CPU board.
The monitor is plugged into the serial port
Root nameservers are out of sync
electro-magnetic pulses from French above ground nuke testing.
your keyboard’s space bar is generating spurious keycodes.
the real ttys became pseudo ttys and vice-versa.
the printer thinks its a router.
the router thinks its a printer.
evil hackers from Serbia.
we just switched to FDDI.
halon system went off and killed the operators.
because Bill Gates is a Jehovah’s witness and so nothing can work on St. Swithin’s day.
user to computer ratio too high.
user to computer ration too low.
we just switched to Sprint.
it has Intel Inside
Sticky bits on disk.
Power Company having EMP problems with their reactor
The ring needs another token
new management
telnet: Unable to connect to remote host: Connection refused
SCSI Chain overterminated
It’s not plugged in.
because of network lag due to too many people playing deathmatch
You put the disk in upside down.
Daemons loose in system.
User was distributing pornography on server; system seized by FBI.
BNC (brain not connected)
UBNC (user brain not connected)
LBNC (luser brain not connected)
disks spinning backwards - toggle the hemisphere jumper.
new guy cross-connected phone lines with ac power bus.
had to use hammer to free stuck disk drive heads.
Too few computrons available.
Flat tire on station wagon with tapes.  (“Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway” Andrew S. Tannenbaum)
Communications satellite used by the military for star wars.
Party-bug in the Aloha protocol.
Insert coin for new game
Dew on the telephone lines.
Arcserve crashed the server again.
Some one needed the powerstrip, so they pulled the switch plug.
My pony-tail hit the on/off switch on the power strip.
Big to little endian conversion error
You can tune a file system, but you can’t tune a fish (from most tunefs man pages)
Dumb terminal
Zombie processes haunting the computer
Incorrect time synchronization
Defunct processes
Stubborn processes
non-redundant fan failure
monitor VLF leakage
bugs in the RAID
no “any” key on keyboard
root rot
Backbone Scoliosis
/pub/lunch
excessive collisions & not enough packet ambulances
le0: no carrier: transceiver cable problem?
broadcast packets on wrong frequency
popper unable to process jumbo kernel
NOTICE: alloc: /dev/null: filesystem full
pseudo-user on a pseudo-terminal
Recursive traversal of loopback mount points
Backbone adjustment
OS swapped to disk
vapors from evaporating sticky-note adhesives
sticktion
short leg on process table
multicasts on broken packets
ether leak
Atilla the Hub
endothermal recalibration
filesystem not big enough for Jumbo Kernel Patch
loop found in loop in redundant loopback
system consumed all the paper for paging
permission denied
Reformatting Page. Wait...
..disk or the processor is on fire.
SCSI’s too wide.
Proprietary Information.
Just type “mv * /dev/null”.
runaway cat on system.
Did you pay the new Support Fee?
We only support a 1200 bps connection.
We only support a 28000 bps connection.
Me no internet, only janitor, me just wax floors.
I’m sorry a pentium won’t do, you need an SGI to connect with us.
Post-it Note Sludge leaked into the monitor.
the curls in your keyboard cord are losing electricity.
The monitor needs another box of pixels.
RPC_PMAP_FAILURE
kernel panic: write-only-memory (/dev/wom0) capacity exceeded.
Write-only-memory subsystem too slow for this machine. Contact your local dealer.
Just pick up the phone and give modem connect sounds. “Well you said we should get more lines so we don’t have voice lines.”
Quantum dynamics are affecting the transistors
Police are examining all internet packets in the search for a narco-net-trafficker
We are currently trying a new concept of using a live mouse.  Unfortunately, one has yet to survive being hooked up to the computer.....please bear with us.
Your mail is being routed through Germany ... and they’re censoring us.
Only people with names beginning with “A” are getting mail this week (a la Microsoft).
We didn’t pay the Internet bill and it’s been cut off.
Lightning strikes.
Of course it doesn’t work. We’ve performed a software upgrade.
Change your language to Finnish.
Fluorescent lights are generating negative ions. If turning them off doesn’t work, take them out and put tin foil on the ends.
High nuclear activity in your area.
What office are you in? Oh, that one.  Did you know that your building was built over the universities first nuclear research site? And wow, aren’t you the lucky one, your office is right over where the core is buried!
The MGs ran out of gas.
The UPS doesn’t have a battery backup.
Recursivity.  Call back if it happens again.
Someone thought The Big Red Button was a light switch.
The mainframe needs to rest.  It’s getting old, you know.
I’m not sure.  Try calling the Internet’s head office -- it’s in the book.
The lines are all busy (busied out, that is -- why let them in to begin with?).
Jan  9 16:41:27 huber su: “su root” succeeded for .... on /dev/pts/1
It’s those computer people in X {city of world}.  They keep stuffing things up.
A star wars satellite accidently blew up the WAN.
Fatal error right in front of screen
That function is not currently supported, but Bill Gates assures us it will be featured in the next upgrade.
wrong polarity of neutron flow
Lusers learning curve appears to be fractal
We had to turn off that service to comply with the CDA Bill.
Ionization from the air-conditioning
TCP/IP UDP alarm threshold is set too low.
Someone is broadcasting pygmy packets and the router doesn’t know how to deal with them.
The new frame relay network hasn’t bedded down the software loop transmitter yet.
Fanout dropping voltage too much, try cutting some of those little traces
Plate voltage too low on demodulator tube
You did wha... oh _dear_....
CPU needs bearings repacked
Too many little pins on CPU confusing it, bend back and forth until 10-20% are neatly removed. Do _not_ leave metal bits visible!
_Rosin_ core solder? But...
Software uses US measurements, but the OS is in metric...
The computer fleetly, mouse and all.
Your cat tried to eat the mouse.
The Borg tried to assimilate your system. Resistance is futile.
It must have been the lightning storm we had (yesterday) (last week) (last month)
Due to Federal Budget problems we have been forced to cut back on the number of users able to access the system at one time. (namely none allowed....)
Too much radiation coming from the soil.
Unfortunately we have run out of bits/bytes/whatever. Don’t worry, the next supply will be coming next week.
Program load too heavy for processor to lift.
Processes running slowly due to weak power supply
Our ISP is having {switching,routing,SMDS,frame relay} problems
We’ve run out of licenses
Interference from lunar radiation
Standing room only on the bus.
You need to install an RTFM interface.
That would be because the software doesn’t work.
That’s easy to fix, but I can’t be bothered.
Someone’s tie is caught in the printer, and if anything else gets printed, he’ll be in it too.
We’re upgrading /dev/null
The Usenet news is out of date
Our POP server was kidnapped by a weasel.
It’s stuck in the Web.
Your modem doesn’t speak English.
The mouse escaped.
All of the packets are empty.
The UPS is on strike.
Neutrino overload on the nameserver
Melting hard drives
Someone has messed up the kernel pointers
The kernel license has expired
Netscape has crashed
The cord jumped over and hit the power switch.
It was OK before you touched it.
Bit rot
U.S. Postal Service
Your Flux Capacitor has gone bad.
The Dilithium Crystals need to be rotated.
The static electricity routing is acting up...
Traceroute says that there is a routing problem in the backbone.  It’s not our problem.
The co-locator cannot verify the frame-relay gateway to the ISDN server.
High altitude condensation from U.S.A.F prototype aircraft has contaminated the primary subnet mask. Turn off your computer for 9 days to avoid damaging it.
Lawn mower blade in your fan need sharpening
Electrons on a bender
Telecommunications is upgrading.
Telecommunications is downgrading.
Telecommunications is downshifting.
Hard drive sleeping. Let it wake up on it’s own...
Interference between the keyboard and the chair.
The CPU has shifted, and become decentralized.
Due to the CDA, we no longer have a root account.
We ran out of dial tone and we’re and waiting for the phone company to deliver another bottle.
You must’ve hit the wrong any key.
PCMCIA slave driver
The Token fell out of the ring. Call us when you find it.
The hardware bus needs a new token.
Too many interrupts
Not enough interrupts
The data on your hard drive is out of balance.
Digital Manipulator exceeding velocity parameters
appears to be a Slow/Narrow SCSI-0 Interface problem
microelectronic Riemannian curved-space fault in write-only file system
fractal radiation jamming the backbone
routing problems on the neural net
IRQ-problems with the Un-Interruptible-Power-Supply
CPU-angle has to be adjusted because of vibrations coming from the nearby road
emissions from GSM-phones
CD-ROM server needs recalibration
firewall needs cooling
asynchronous inode failure
transient bus protocol violation
incompatible bit-registration operators
your process is not ISO 9000 compliant
You need to upgrade your VESA local bus to a MasterCard local bus.
The recent proliferation of Nuclear Testing
Elves on strike. (Why do they call EMAG Elf Magic)
Internet exceeded Luser level, please wait until a luser logs off before attempting to log back on.
Your EMAIL is now being delivered by the USPS.
Your computer hasn’t been returning all the bits it gets from the Internet.
You’ve been infected by the Telescoping Hubble virus.
Scheduled global CPU outage
Your Pentium has a heating problem - try cooling it with ice cold water.(Do not turn off your computer, you do not want to cool down the Pentium Chip while he isn’t working, do you?)
Your processor has processed too many instructions.  Turn it off immediately, do not type any commands!!
Your packets were eaten by the terminator
Your processor does not develop enough heat.
We need a licensed electrician to replace the light bulbs in the computer room.
The POP server is out of Coke
Fiber optics caused gas main leak
Server depressed, needs Prozac
quantum decoherence
those damn raccoons!
suboptimal routing experience
A plumber is needed, the network drain is clogged
50% of the manual is in .pdf readme files
the AA battery in the wallclock sends magnetic interference
the xy axis in the trackball is coordinated with the summer solstice
the butane lighter causes the pincushioning
old inkjet cartridges emanate barium-based fumes
manager in the cable duct
We’ll fix that in the next (upgrade, update, patch release, service pack).
HTTPD Error 666 : BOFH was here
HTTPD Error 4004 : very old Intel cpu - insufficient processing power
The ATM board has run out of 10 pound notes.  We are having a whip round to refill it, care to contribute ?
Network failure -  call NBC
Having to manually track the satellite.
Your/our computer(s) had suffered a memory leak, and we are waiting for them to be topped up.
The rubber band broke
We’re on Token Ring, and it looks like the token got loose.
Stray Alpha Particles from memory packaging caused Hard Memory Error on Server.
paradigm shift...without a clutch
PEBKAC (Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair)
The cables are not the same length.
Second-system effect.
Chewing gum on /dev/sd3c
Boredom in the Kernel.
the daemons! the daemons! the terrible daemons!
I’d love to help you -- it’s just that the Boss won’t let me near the computer.
struck by the Good Times virus
YOU HAVE AN I/O ERROR -> Incompetent Operator error
Your parity check is overdrawn and you’re out of cache.
Communist revolutionaries taking over the server room and demanding all the computers in the building or they shoot the sysadmin. Poor misguided fools.
Plasma conduit breach
Out of cards on drive D:
Sand fleas eating the Internet cables
parallel processors running perpendicular today
ATM cell has no roaming feature turned on, notebooks can’t connect
Webmasters kidnapped by evil cult.
Failure to adjust for daylight savings time.
Virus transmitted from computer to sysadmins.
Virus due to computers having unsafe sex.
Incorrectly configured static routes on the corerouters.
Forced to support NT servers; sysadmins quit.
Suspicious pointer corrupted virtual machine
It’s the InterNIC’s fault.
Root name servers corrupted.
Budget cuts forced us to sell all the power cords for the servers.
Someone hooked the twisted pair wires into the answering machine.
Operators killed by year 2000 bug bite.
We’ve picked COBOL as the language of choice.
Operators killed when huge stack of backup tapes fell over.
Robotic tape changer mistook operator’s tie for a backup tape.
Someone was smoking in the computer room and set off the halon systems.
Your processor has taken a ride to Heaven’s Gate on the UFO behind Hale-Bopp’s comet.
it’s an ID-10-T error
Dyslexics retyping hosts file on servers
The Internet is being scanned for viruses.
Your computer’s union contract is set to expire at midnight.
Bad user karma.
/dev/clue was linked to /dev/null
Increased sunspot activity.
We already sent around a notice about that.
It’s union rules. There’s nothing we can do about it. Sorry.
Interference from the Van Allen Belt.
Jupiter is aligned with Mars.
Redundant ACLs.
Mail server hit by UniSpammer.
T-1’s congested due to porn traffic to the news server.
Data for intranet got routed through the extranet and landed on the internet.
We are a 100% Microsoft Shop.
We are Microsoft.  What you are experiencing is not a problem; it is an undocumented feature.
Sales staff sold a product we don’t offer.
Secretary sent chain letter to all 5000 employees.
Sysadmin didn’t hear pager go off due to loud music from bar-room speakers.
Sysadmin accidentally destroyed pager with a large hammer.
Sysadmins unavailable because they are in a meeting talking about why they are unavailable so much.
Bad cafeteria food landed all the sysadmins in the hospital.
Route flapping at the NAP.
Computers under water due to SYN flooding.
The vulcan-death-grip ping has been applied.
Electrical conduits in machine room are melting.
Traffic jam on the Information Superhighway.
Radial Telemetry Infiltration
Cow-tippers tipped a cow onto the server.
tachyon emissions overloading the system
Maintenance window broken
We’re out of slots on the server
Computer room being moved.  Our systems are down for the weekend.
Sysadmins busy fighting SPAM.
Repeated reboots of the system failed to solve problem
Feature was not beta tested
Domain controller not responding
Someone else stole your IP address, call the Internet detectives!
It’s not RFC-822 compliant.
operation failed because: there is no message for this error (#1014)
stop bit received
internet is needed to catch the etherbunny
network down, IP packets delivered via UPS
Firmware update in the coffee machine
Temporal anomaly
Mouse has out-of-cheese-error
Borg implants are failing
Borg nanites have infested the server
error: one bad user found in front of screen
Please state the nature of the technical emergency
Internet shut down due to maintenance
Daemon escaped from pentagram
crop circles in the corn shell
sticky bit has come loose
Hot Java has gone cold
Cache miss - please take better aim next time
Hash table has woodworm
Trojan horse ran out of hay
Zombie processes detected, machine is haunted.
overflow error in /dev/null
Browser’s cookie is corrupted -- someone’s been nibbling on it.
Mailer-daemon is busy burning your message in hell.
According to Microsoft, it’s by design
vi needs to be upgraded to vii
greenpeace free’d the mallocs
Terrorists crashed an airplane into the server room, have to remove /bin/laden. (rm -rf /bin/laden)
astropneumatic oscillations in the water-cooling
Somebody ran the operating system through a spelling checker.
Rhythmic variations in the voltage reaching the power supply.
Keyboard Actuator Failure.  Order and Replace.
Packet held up at customs.
Propagation delay.
High line impedance.
Someone set us up the bomb.
Power surges on the Underground.
Long-term exposure to LC-related repetitive transient scrotal hyperthermia
Maybe you need the incompatibility pack?
That’s weird, It’s never done that before
It worked yesterday.
It works on my machine.
It’s too complicated for you to understand.
It can’t be done.
Probably a hardware problem.
Somebody must have changed my code.
Even though it doesn’t work, what it doing ?
Why do you want to do it that way ?
I only changed a comment.
I figured I didn’t need to test because it was obviously correct.
The code doesn’t need comments because it’s self-documenting.
Maybe it’s static.
Oh dear, it must have run out of electrons again.
It works for everyone else, so it must be your fault.
Its a Microsoft bug.
The processor stack spring has worn out.
Loop fatigue.
What did you expect? They made it out of foobar.
Shiftless Registers.
The bit-bucket’s full.
This 3rd party library is very buggy.
The compiler screwed up.
We’re running out of memory.
For this we really need something faster.
I suspect it’s a bus collision.
They changed the protocol.
Apperently they compiled it for the wrong target.
If I wanted it next week, I’d have asked for it next week.
Your GIZMO needs the latest copy of Windows which has the appropriate driver. Or your old gizmo is not supported any more you will need a new gizmo for which you will require the latest copy of windows, Sorry your old software will not run the new gizmo under the latest copy of windows. A tribute to the absence of standardisation in the dirty computer industry.
It’s 90% done.
It’s a “timing” problem. It is just not time for the software (or hardware) to work, yet.
It’s not a bug, it’s an undocumented feature.
It’s just a simple matter of programming.
How did this ever work?
We’ll be done in two weeks.
I don’t have problems like that.
The problem cannot be reproduced.  Case closed.
It only happens in the field. We cant reproduce it here / test for that.
I could fix it if I had an emulator
I could fix it if I had a logic analyzer
I could fix it if I had an up to date prototype
I could fix it if I had a decent hardware engineer
I could fix it if I had decent software tools
I could fix it if I had time and a half for overtime
I could fix it if I had less paperwork
I could fix it if I had less support tasks
I could fix it if I had fewer meetings
It conforms to the spec you signed off!
We agree that the software performs to specification, but the specification does not make sense.
I’ve just committed a change that might fix this.
Just try it and see what happens.  If nothing bad happens, then it is fixed
I do object-oriented programming - if the customer objects, I do more programming.
Real programmers don’t document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to read.
A couple of Months? It’s only Software!
What do you mean putting “runs without errors” in the specs?
The bug’s not that bad. At least it doesn’t format your hard drive.
This file is also distributed in Visual Basic for the “C”-ing impaired.
Programming from a spec is like walking on water.... Its easier to do when it’s frozen
A Manager: “This fix can’t possibly take two months, marketing has already promised this in one week”.
In C++ only friends can access your private parts
We face new debugging challenges with the migration from C to C++ .
The system was brought to its knees by a user who disabled his browser cache.
Maybe the regression was wrong.
Children unplugged the router.
Virtual machine has swine flu.
VM issues are queued waiting for (sysadmin) processing time.
The server is unable to complete any other queries until it responds to PANCAKE
There seems to be an issue with the amd64 platform pptp server managing to reverse the byte order of the packet checksums.
Spaces in filenames.
Tabs for indentation.
Spaces for indentation.
Bad spelling. Try Germanglish.
Bad spelling (Germanglish).
Equinix engineers will be grooming the optical fabric.
Cat was sitting on the keyboard.
There was an infinite loop in the QSL that sent half the respondents through Brandindex an infinite number of times.
Gravitational waves storm.
Data file too big; browser suspects malicious attack.
Virtualenv overwrote system Python executable.
Shears clogged; yak hair too thick.
Insufficient haptic feedback from keyboard.
Security training completed by task rabbit.
Old VCR cassettes lying around.
A disturbance in the Force.
Nuclear launch detected.
Mercury goes retrograde.
Cryptojacking in the Slack client.
PETA got a hold of the rabbit_vaporizers ACL.
