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-A Gypsy curse.
-A moment of silence.
-A sausage festival.
-An honest cop with nothing left to lose.
-Famine.
-Flesh-eating bacteria.
-Flying sex snakes.
-Not giving a shit about the Third World.
-Sexting.
-Shapeshifters.
-Porn stars.
-Raping and pillaging.
-72 virgins.
-A drive-by shooting.
-A time travel paradox.
-Authentic Mexican cuisine.
-Bling.
-Consultants.
-Crippling debt.
-Daddy issues.
-The Donald Trump Seal of Approval.
-Dropping a chandelier on your enemies and riding the rope up.
-Former President George W. Bush.
-Full frontal nudity.
-Hormone injections.
-Laying an egg.
-Getting naked and watching Nickelodeon.
-Pretending to care.
-Public ridicule.
-Sharing needles.
-Boogers.
-The inevitable heat death of the universe.
-The miracle of childbirth.
-The Rapture.
-Whipping it out.
-White privilege.
-Wifely duties.
-The Hamburglar.
-AXE Body Spray.
-The Blood of Christ.
-Horrifying laser hair removal accidents.
-BATMAN!!!
-Agriculture.
-A robust mongoloid.
-Natural selection.
-Coat hanger abortions.
-Eating all of the cookies before the AIDS bake-sale.
-Michelle Obama's arms.
-The World of Warcraft.
-Swooping.
-Obesity.
-A homoerotic volleyball montage.
-Lockjaw.
-A mating display.
-Testicular torsion.
-All-you-can-eat shrimp for $4.99.
-Domino's Oreo Dessert Pizza.
-Kanye West.
-Hot cheese.
-Raptor attacks.
-Taking off your shirt.
-Smegma.
-Alcoholism.
-A middle-aged man on roller skates.
-The Care Bear Stare.
-Bingeing and purging.
-Oversized lollipops.
-Self-loathing.
-Children on leashes.
-Half-assed foreplay.
-The Holy Bible.
-German dungeon porn.
-Being on fire.
-Teenage pregnancy.
-Gandhi.
-Leaving an awkward voicemail.
-Uppercuts.
-Customer service representatives.
-An erection that lasts longer than four hours.
-My genitals.
-Picking up girls at the abortion clinic.
-Science.
-Not reciprocating oral sex.
-Flightless birds.
-A good sniff.
-Waterboarding.
-A balanced breakfast.
-Historically black colleges.
-Actually taking candy from a baby.
-The Make-A-Wish Foundation.
-A clandestine butt scratch.
-Passive-aggressive Post-it notes.
-The Chinese gymnastics team.
-Switching to Geico.
-Peeing a little bit.
-Home video of Oprah sobbing into a Lean Cuisine.
-Nocturnal emissions.
-The Jews.
-My humps.
-Powerful thighs.
-Winking at old people.
-Mr. Clean, right behind you.
-A gentle caress of the inner thigh.
-Sexual tension.
-The forbidden fruit.
-Skeletor.
-Fancy Feast.
-Being rich.
-Sweet, sweet vengeance.
-Republicans.
-A gassy antelope.
-Natalie Portman.
-Copping a feel.
-Kamikaze pilots.
-Sean Connery.
-The homosexual agenda.
-The hardworking Mexican.
-A falcon with a cap on its head.
-Altar boys.
-The Kool-Aid Man.
-Getting so angry that you pop a boner.
-Free samples.
-A big hoopla about nothing.
-Doing the right thing.
-The Three-Fifths compromise.
-Lactation.
-World peace.
-RoboCop.
-Chutzpah.
-Justin Bieber.
-Oompa-Loompas.
-Inappropriate yodeling.
-Puberty.
-Ghosts.
-An asymmetric boob job.
-Vigorous jazz hands.
-Fingering.
-Glenn Beck catching his scrotum on a curtain hook.
-GoGurt.
-Police brutality.
-John Wilkes Booth.
-Preteens.
-Scalping.
-Stifling a giggle at the mention of Hutus and Tutsis.
-"Tweeting."
-Darth Vader.
-A sad handjob.
-Exactly what you'd expect.
-Expecting a burp and vomiting on the floor.
-Adderall.
-Embryonic stem cells.
-Tasteful sideboob.
-Panda sex.
-An icepick lobotomy.
-Tom Cruise.
-Mouth herpes.
-Sperm whales.
-Homeless people.
-Third base.
-Incest.
-Pac-Man uncontrollably guzzling cum.
-A mime having a stroke.
-Hulk Hogan.
-God.
-Scrubbing under the folds.
-Golden showers.
-Emotions.
-Licking things to claim them as your own.
-Pabst Blue Ribbon.
-The placenta.
-Spontaneous human combustion.
-Friends with benefits.
-Finger painting.
-Old-people smell.
-Dying of dysentery.
-My inner demons.
-A Super Soaker full of cat pee.
-Aaron Burr.
-Cuddling.
-The chronic.
-Cockfights.
-Friendly fire.
-Ronald Reagan.
-A disappointing birthday party.
-A sassy black woman.
-Mathletes.
-A tiny horse.
-William Shatner.
-Riding off into the sunset.
-An M. Night Shyamalan plot twist.
-Jew-fros.
-Mutually-assured destruction.
-Pedophiles.
-Yeast.
-Grave robbing.
-Eating the last known bison.
-Catapults.
-Poor people.
-Forgetting the Alamo.
-The Hustle.
-The Force.
-Wiping her butt.
-Intelligent design.
-Loose lips.
-AIDS.
-Pictures of boobs.
-The Ãœbermensch.
-Sarah Palin.
-American Gladiators.
-Getting really high.
-Scientology.
-Penis envy.
-Praying the gay away.
-Frolicking.
-Two midgets shitting into a bucket.
-The KKK.
-Genghis Khan.
-Crystal meth.
-Serfdom.
-Stranger danger.
-A Bop It.
-Shaquille O'Neal's acting career.
-Prancing.
-Vigilante justice.
-Overcompensation.
-Pixelated bukkake.
-A lifetime of sadness.
-Racism.
-Dwarf tossing.
-Sunshine and rainbows.
-A monkey smoking a cigar.
-Flash flooding.
-Lance Armstrong's missing testicle.
-Dry heaving.
-The terrorists.
-Britney Spears at 55.
-Attitude.
-Breaking out into song and dance.
-Leprosy.
-Gloryholes.
-Nipple blades.
-The heart of a child.
-Puppies!
-Waking up half-naked in a Denny's parking lot.
-Dental dams.
-Toni Morrison's vagina.
-The taint; the grundle; the fleshy fun-bridge.
-Active listening.
-Ethnic cleansing.
-The Little Engine That Could.
-The invisible hand.
-Waiting ‘til marriage.
-Unfathomable stupidity.
-Euphoria by Calvin Klein.
-Re-gifting.
-Autocannibalism.
-Erectile dysfunction.
-My collection of high-tech sex toys.
-The Pope.
-White people.
-Tentacle porn.
-Glenn Beck convulsively vomiting as a brood of crab spiders hatches in his brain and erupts from his tear ducts.
-Too much hair gel.
-Seppuku.
-Same-sex ice dancing.
-Cheating in the Special Olympics.
-Charisma.
-Keanu Reeves.
-Sean Penn.
-Nickelback.
-A look-see.
-Pooping back and forth. Forever.
-Menstruation.
-Kids with ass cancer.
-A salty surprise.
-The South.
-The violation of our most basic human rights.
-YOU MUST CONSTRUCT ADDITIONAL PYLONS.
-Date rape.
-Being fabulous.
-Necrophilia.
-Centaurs.
-Bill Nye the Science Guy.
-Black people.
-Chivalry.
-Lunchables.
-Bitches.
-The profoundly handicapped.
-Heartwarming orphans.
-MechaHitler.
-Fiery poops.
-Another goddamn vampire movie.
-Tangled Slinkys.
-The true meaning of Christmas.
-Estrogen.
-A zesty breakfast burrito.
-That thing that electrocutes your abs.
-Passing a kidney stone.
-A bleached asshole.
-Michael Jackson.
-Cybernetic enhancements.
-Guys who don't call.
-Smallpox blankets.
-Masturbation.
-Classist undertones.
-Queefing.
-Concealing a boner.
-Edible underpants.
-Viagra.
-Soup that is too hot.
-Muhammad (Praise Be Unto Him).
-Surprise sex!
-Five-Dollar Footlongs.
-Drinking alone.
-Dick fingers.
-Multiple stab wounds.
-Soiling oneself.
-Child abuse.
-Anal beads.
-Civilian casualties.
-Pulling out.
-Robert Downey, Jr.
-Horse meat.
-A really cool hat.
-Kim Jong-il.
-A stray pube.
-Jewish fraternities.
-The token minority.
-Doin' it in the butt.
-Feeding Rosie O'Donnell.
-Teaching a robot to love.
-A can of whoop-ass.
-A windmill full of corpses.
-Count Chocula.
-Wearing underwear inside-out to avoid doing laundry.
-A death ray.
-The glass ceiling.
-A cooler full of organs.
-The American Dream.
-Keg stands.
-When you fart and a little bit comes out.
-Take-backsies.
-Dead babies.
-Foreskin.
-Saxophone solos.
-Italians.
-A fetus.
-Firing a rifle into the air while balls deep in a squealing hog.
-Dick Cheney.
-Amputees.
-Eugenics.
-My relationship status.
-Christopher Walken.
-Bees?
-Harry Potter erotica.
-College.
-Getting drunk on mouthwash.
-Nazis.
-8 oz. of sweet Mexican black-tar heroin.
-Stephen Hawking talking dirty.
-Dead parents.
-Object permanence.
-Opposable thumbs.
-Racially-biased SAT questions.
-Jibber-jabber.
-Chainsaws for hands.
-Nicolas Cage.
-Child beauty pageants.
-Explosions.
-Sniffing glue.
-Glenn Beck being harried by a swarm of buzzards.
-Repression.
-Roofies.
-My vagina.
-Assless chaps.
-A murder most foul.
-Giving 110 percent.
-Her Royal Highness, Queen Elizabeth II.
-The Trail of Tears.
-Being marginalized.
-Goblins.
-Hope.
-The Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
-A micropenis.
-My soul.
-A hot mess.
-Vikings.
-Hot people.
-Seduction.
-An Oedipus complex.
-Geese.
-Global warming.
-New Age music.
-Hot Pockets.
-Making a pouty face.
-Vehicular manslaughter.
-Women's suffrage.
-A defective condom.
-Judge Judy.
-African children.
-The Virginia Tech Massacre.
-Barack Obama.
-Asians who aren't good at math.
-Elderly Japanese men.
-Exchanging pleasantries.
-Heteronormativity.
-Parting the Red Sea.
-Arnold Schwarzenegger.
-Road head.
-Spectacular abs.
-Figgy pudding.
-A mopey zoo lion.
-A bag of magic beans.
-Poor life choices.
-My sex life.
-Auschwitz.
-A snapping turtle biting the tip of your penis.
-A thermonuclear detonation.
-The clitoris.
-The Big Bang.
-Land mines.
-Friends who eat all the snacks.
-Goats eating cans.
-The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy.
-Jerking off into a pool of children's tears.
-Man meat.
-Me time.
-The Underground Railroad.
-Poorly-timed Holocaust jokes.
-A sea of troubles.
-Lumberjack fantasies.
-Morgan Freeman's voice.
-Women in yogurt commercials.
-Natural male enhancement.
-Being a motherfucking sorcerer.
-Genital piercings.
-Passable transvestites.
-Sexy pillow fights.
-Balls.
-Grandma.
-Friction.
-Party poopers.
-Farting and walking away.
-Being a dick to children.
-Booby-trapping the house to foil burglars.
-The Tempur-Pedic Swedish Sleep System.
-Dying.
-Hurricane Katrina.
-The gays.
-The folly of man.
-Men.
-The Amish.
-Pterodactyl eggs.
-Team-building exercises.
-A brain tumor.
-Cards Against Humanity.
-Fear itself.
-Lady Gaga.
-The milk man.
-A foul mouth.
-A big black dick.
-A beached whale.
-A bloody pacifier.
-A crappy little hand.
-A low standard of living.
-A nuanced critique.
-Panty raids.
-A passionate Latino lover.
-A rival dojo.
-A web of lies.
-A woman scorned.
-Clams.
-Apologizing.
-Appreciative snapping.
-Neil Patrick Harris.
-Beating your wives.
-Being a dinosaur.
-Shaft.
-Bosnian chicken farmers.
-Nubile slave boys.
-Carnies.
-Coughing into a vagina.
-Suicidal thoughts.
-Dancing with a broom.
-Deflowering the princess.
-Dorito breath.
-Eating an albino.
-Enormous Scandinavian women.
-Fabricating statistics.
-Finding a skeleton.
-Gandalf.
-Genetically engineered super-soldiers.
-George Clooney's musk.
-Getting abducted by Peter Pan.
-Getting in her pants, politely.
-Gladiatorial combat.
-Good grammar.
-Hipsters.
-Historical revisionism.
-Insatiable bloodlust.
-Jafar.
-Jean-Claude Van Damme.
-Just the tip.
-Mad hacky-sack skills.
-Leveling up.
-Literally eating shit.
-Making the penises kiss.
-Media coverage.
-Medieval Times Dinner and Tournament.
-Moral ambiguity.
-My machete.
-One thousand Slim Jims.
-Ominous background music.
-Overpowering your father.
-Pistol-whipping a hostage.
-Quiche.
-Quivering jowls.
-Revenge fucking.
-Ripping into a man's chest and pulling out his still-beating heart.
-Ryan Gosling riding in on a white horse.
-Santa Claus.
-Scrotum tickling.
-Sexual humiliation.
-Sexy Siamese twins.
-Slow motion.
-Space muffins.
-Statistically validated stereotypes.
-Sudden Poop Explosion Disease.
-The boners of the elderly.
-The economy.
-The Fanta girls.
-The Gulags.
-The harsh light of day.
-The hiccups.
-The shambling corpse of Larry King.
-The four arms of Vishnu.
-Being a busy adult with many important things to do.
-Tripping balls.
-Words, words, words.
-Zeus's sexual appetites.