oddluck-limnoria-plugins/Fun/chuck_norris.txt

Chuck Norris’ truck doesn't run on fuel, it runs on fear.
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can throw a house through a window.
Chuck Norris owns the gold at the end of the rainbow.
Chuck Norris can walk on water. He's not God, the water is just afraid of getting him wet.
Once Chuck Norris raced against time. Time is still running.
When a Jedi dies they become part of the force, when the force dies it becomes part of Chuck Norris.
If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and smells like a duck but Chuck Norris says its a giraffe, it's a damn giraffe!
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
In an average living room there are 242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
If Chuck Norris was a Spartan, the movie would have been called "1".
There is no use crying over spilt milk, unless it's Chuck Norris' milk.
Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice from a banana.
Chuck Norris doesn't masturbate, he rapes his hand.
Chuck Norris always has sex on the bottom because he never fucks up
God created humans. Chuck Norris created God.
Chuck Norris could start a fire with 2 ice cubes.
There was no volcanic eruption in Iceland.
It was just Chuck Norris opening BBQ season.
Chuck Norris doesn't swim (even though he can), the water holds Chuck Norris up.
Person 1: Global Warming doesn't exist. Chuck Norris was cold so he turned the sun up.
Person 2: That's bullhshit! everyone knows Chuck Norris doesn't get cold!
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist!
Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
How many push-ups can Chuck Norris do? All of them.
When Chuck Norris plays hangman, he decides what the word is.
Chuck Norris went to every planet in the solar system. That is why there is no life on any of them.
Global warming is caused by transient energy leftover from Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks.
Chuck Norris doesn't travel at the speed of light, light travels at the speed of Chuck Norris!
Do you know why babies cry when they are born? Because they know they are entering a world with Chuck Norris in it.
Chuck Norris jumped the Grand Canyon… longways.
Do you know why God is called "God"? Because "Chuck Norris" was already taken.
The only reason you woke up this morning is because Chuck Norris allowed you too.
Chuck Norris sleeps until he tells the sun to get up.
It's a proven fact that you will go blind faster staring at a picture of Chuck Norris than you would staring at the sun.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Chuck Norris' beard can shave a razor.
Chuck Norris taught Michael Jackson to moonwalk.
Once while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and ran into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris. After 5 days of excruciating pain, the snake died.
Only Chuck Norris can tell you the answer to your question before you ask it.
America once tried to make a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from nobody.
Chuck Norris can send you a roundhouse kick by email.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
When Chuck Norris runs backwards during a fight, it may seem like he's retreating. He's not. He's just attacking from another direction.
Chuck Norris once beat the sun at a staring contest.
Chuck Norris doesn't cry, water condenses on his face at the appropriate time.
If you look back far enough in your family tree, Chuck Norris appears at least three times.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
Everybody loves Raymond. Except for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry!
People have near-death experiences. Death has Near-Chuck-Norris experiences.
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
Chuck Norris gives Freddy Krueger nightmares.
You know the movie, Alien VS Predator? Well it used to be called Alien VS Predator VS Chuck Norris, but nobody would pay to see a fight 7 seconds long.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
Some people wear Superman underwear, Superman wears Chuck Norris underwear.
On the other hand, Chuck Norris wears no underwear.
When Jeronimo jumps out of an airplane, he yells: "CHUUUUCCCKKK NNNOOOOORRRIIIISSS!!!!!"
When Chuck Norris jumps out of an airplane, he yells: "MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!"
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris only gives one Christmas present. He allows you to live.
If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fists.
Space exists because it is afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. It was more humane.
The Total Gym uses Chuck Norris to stay in shape.
Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer. Sadly he never cries.
When Chuck Norris works out at the gym, he doesn't sweat. The weights do.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real. It's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
Chuck Norris KNOWS Victoria's secret.
Chuck Norris once ate a 72oz steak in 45 minutes. He spent the first 44 banging the waitress.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Chuck Norris can piss into Gale force winds.
The following is a short list of what Chuck Norris cannot do:   .
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
Chuck Norris once broke the land bike speed record with a bike with a lost chain and a missing back wheel.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.
Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about.
There are no bombs. Chuck Norris just jumps out of a helicopter and punches the ground.
Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through land.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
When Chuck Norris was a kid his parents took him to a beach in Georgia. While swimming Chuck Norris pants came down and out popped Florida.
Chuck Norris, Mr T and Arnold Schwarzenegger died in a plane crash they got to heavens door way and God asked them what there business is. Arnold replied, "I want to be your right hand man". Mr T said, "I wanna be your left hand man". Chuck Norris said, "get the fuck out of my chair".
Chuck Norris went to the Virgin Islands. Now they are pregnant.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
God said let there be light. Chuck Norris said, “say please.”
Chuck Norris doesn't check the time - he decides it.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks under his bed for Chuck Norris.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn't Jesus birthday. Jesus was to scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus' birthday.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
God wanted 10 days to build the world, Chuck Norris gave him 6.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
Chuck Norris was once tested for steroids. The results came back positive. When confronted with this information, Chuck Norris chuckled and said, "Of course, what do you think they make steroids from?"
Chuck Norris once rode a bull through a China shop. The only thing that broke was the bull.
When Chuck Norris was born, he cut his own umbilical cord. He then used it to strangle the doctor who slapped him on the butt.
Chuck Norris doesn't wear boots. His feet are made of boot material.
Chuck Norris can get a Blackjack with one card.
People believe in God. God believes in Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris never escapes from jail. Jail escapes from Chuck Norris.
Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72. And they're all poisonous.
Chuck Norris's urine is said to add 300 horsepower when added to your gas.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
Chuck Norris can read braille with his scrotum.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
Oxygen needs Chuck Norris to survive.
Sharks are not living on the sea because they can't breath on land. They live in the sea because Chuck Norris doesn't.
There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.
Chuck Norris has never had a heart attack. His heart is too smart to attack him.
Chuck Norris was sitting around a campfire with two cowboys. The cowboys were competing to see which one is more hardcore.
The first one says, "Once, I was charged by an angry bull. I proceeded to jump on its back and kill it by gorging its eyes out."
The second says, "Once I was swimming in a river, and an anaconda tried to strangle me. I ripped its head off with my teeth."
Chuck Norris just smiled and continued tending the campfire with his dick.
Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks cows and butter comes straight out.	
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked about this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.
The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
Faster than a speeding bullet... more powerful than a locomotive... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.
Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and scream.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
According to the Encyclopedia Britannica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.
Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of a beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesn't get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? All of it.
Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the entire country of Australia for 44 hours.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
Chuck Norris doesn't shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.
Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
In the beginning there was nothing. Then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in seven seconds.
Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his mother's womb.
Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.
There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its descendants now have white hair.
Chuck Norris is responsible for China's overpopulation. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.
Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.
Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one roundhouse kick to the face.
Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bed frames, and sidewalks.
Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a field goal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave, because revenge is a dish best served cold.
Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.
Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.
Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.
Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
The Sherman tank was originally called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.
Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.
Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.
Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.
Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper, insisting that that actually is "his" way.
Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.
When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.
According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.
In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a very generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
Chuck Norris’ favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
When Chuck Norris says "More cowbell", he MEANS it.
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your butt, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run.
What’s known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn’t use its full name, which happens to be “Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division”.
Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris' age is to cut him in half and count the rings.
There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.
Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful.
Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris doesn't like Fudge Ripple.
On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. 
Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.
Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.
Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he roundhouse kicked the deputy.
That's not Chuck Norris doing push-ups -- that's Chuck Norris moving the Earth away from the path of a deadly asteroid.
Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.
Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.
As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.
It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.
Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needed toothpicks.
Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is Chuck Norris' personal chef.
"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole barn falls down.
When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as Giraffes.
Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.
Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving without a parachute, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.
If Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris' misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas and you will still die.
In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
Chuck Norris got his driver's license at the age of 16... Seconds.
The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy!
For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.
Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.
Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.
Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street... he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.
Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.
How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.
The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.
When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
The original title for Star Wars was "Skywalker: Texas Ranger". Starring Chuck Norris.
Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for "Chuck Norris' basement".
The phrase 'balls to the wall' was originally conceived to describe Chuck Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar.
Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch.
The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
Chuck Norris' Roundhouse kick is so powerful, that on the set of Sidekicks he single-footedly destroyed Jonathan Brandis' Career.
Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindness, and possibly foot sized bruises on the face.
Chuck Norris can taste lies.
Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions.
One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio.
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
In 1990, Chuck Norris founded the non-profit organization "Kick Drugs Out of America". If the organization's name were "Roundhouse Kick Drugs out of America", there wouldn't be any drugs in the Western Hemisphere. Period.
Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.
Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head.
4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.
The only sure things are Death and Taxes. And when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.
Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.
With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.
Chuck Norris' testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tiny white ninjas that recognize only one mission: seek and destroy.
To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?
There are two types of people in the world... people that suck, and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?
70% of a human's weight is water. 70% of Chuck Norris' weight is his dick.
Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris' ass. He was then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.
The sex with a pie scene in "American Pie" is based on a dare Chuck Norris took when he was younger. However, in Chuck Norris' case, the "pie" was the molten crater of an active volcano.
Chuck Norris uses 4'x8' sheets of plywood as toilet paper.
Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.
Chuck Norris once invited all of the other badasses from TV to duke it out in order to see who was the supreme badass. Only two showed up-- Jack Bauer and MacGyver. MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart. Jack Bauer tried to use his detailed knowledge of torture techniques, but to no avail: Chuck Norris thrives on pain. Chuck Norris then ripped off Jack Bauer's arm and beat him to death with it. Game, set, match.
Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.
Chuck Norris doesn't go on the Internet, he has every Internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes web pages by blinking.
It is said that looking into Chuck Norris' eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody's future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.
The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know - Except for the definition of mercy.
Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.
When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question... just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.
182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year.
Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.
All roads lead to Chuck Norris. And by the transitive property, a roundhouse kick to the face.
If you're driving down the road and you think Chuck Norris just cut you off, you better thank your lucky stars it wasn't the other way around.
July 4th is Independence day. And the day Chuck Norris was born. Coincidence? I think not.
Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.
In the medical community, death is referred to as "Chuck Norris Disease"
Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.
If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.
In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked in the face by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you're thinking to yourself, "But Chuck Norris isn't black", then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.
When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse kicks the Playstation back to Japan.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell heartburn.
Every time someone uses the word "intense", Chuck Norris always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him "a promising Rookie".
There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck Norris.
President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.
Chuck Norris once ate four 30 lb bowling balls without chewing.
Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.
Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bull riding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.
The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.
Chuck Norris' credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.
A man once claimed Chuck Norris kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
Chuck Norris owns a chain of fast-food restaurants throughout the southwest. They serve nothing but barbecue-flavored ice cream and Hot Pockets.
Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he’s roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die.
Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag.
There’s an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris.... Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe.
In a tag team match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.
Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot -- and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets.
For undercover police work, Chuck Norris pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men superpowers are done with special effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists.
The 11th commandment is “Thou shalt not piss off Chuck Norris” This commandment is rarely enforced, as it is impossible to accomplish.
Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.
Two wrongs don't make a right. Unless you're Chuck Norris. Then two wrongs make a roundhouse kick to the face.
Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.
When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.
Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.
If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.
A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history's most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.
Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.
Chuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower.
"Sweating bullets" is literally what happens when Chuck Norris gets too hot.
Chuck Norris' sperm can be seen with the naked eye. Each one is the size of a quarter.
Chuck Norris doesn't daydream. He's too busy giving other people nightmares.
When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help.
There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Chuck Norris.
Diamonds are not, despite popular belief, carbon. They are, in fact, Chuck Norris fecal matter.
Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.
The Drummer for Def Leppard's only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher.
Chuck Norris was the original sculptor of Mount Rushmore. He completed the entire project using only a bottle opener and a drywall trowel.
Chuck Norris once rode a bull, and nine months later it had a calf.
The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. They didn't even come close.
Chuck Norris has banned rainbows from the state of North Dakota.
Divide Chuck Norris by zero and you will in fact get one........one badass that is.
TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion.
Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.
When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes.
In the movie "The Matrix", Chuck Norris is the Matrix. If you pay close attention in the green "falling code" scenes, you can make out the faint texture of his beard.
They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat. Every single one of them.
There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.
Chuck Norris doesn't say "who's your daddy", because he knows the answer.
Chuck Norris originally wrote the first dictionary. The definition for each word is as follows - A swift roundhouse kick to the face.
Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris does.
The term "Cleveland Steamer" got its name from Chuck Norris, when he took a dump while visiting the Rock and Roll Hall of fame and buried northern Ohio under a glacier of fecal matter.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
The pen is mightier than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.
When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.
Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with beef and smothers it in pig's blood.
Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you... Forty seven times.
The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game, it was an exhibition game vs. Chuck Norris and three seven year old girls. Chuck Norris won with a roundhouse-kick to the face in overtime.
Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.
Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's head off.
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.
Chuck Norris has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Antichrist.
They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be "Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick."
A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay's potato chips, saying "Betcha can't eat just one!" Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.
Chuck Norris' favorite cereal is Kellogg's Nails 'N' Gravel.
In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.
In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.
Chuck Norris wipes his ass with chain mail and sandpaper.
When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. You will be lucky if you make it out alive.
Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had an unfair advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both of his arms off and one of his legs. He then roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing him instantly, and proceeded to sow his limbs back on using only a rusty tent spike and bailing wire.
Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.
Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time.
Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. Chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.
Chuck Norris did not "lose" his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.
Everything King Midas touches turns to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead.
Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale.
Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels.
For every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the historical duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more "Missing in Action" sequels, and that war will have never actually existed.
Chuck Norris CAN in fact 'raise the roof'. And he can do it with one hand.
Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face. And if you receive a box of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get.
For Chuck Norris, every street is "one way". HIS WAY.
There are now five cup sizes at Starbucks: Short, Tall, Grande, Venti, and Chuck Norris.
During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured. For torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds.
Chuck Norris once created a flamethrower by urinating into a lighter.
Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside and brands cattle.
Chuck Norris actually built the stairway to heaven.
Whoever said "only the good die young" was probably in Chuck Norris's kindergarten class.
Chuck Norris once skewered a man with the Eiffel tower.
The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
Chuck Norris doesn't own a can opener, he just chews through the can.
Proponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue that consciousness is explained by the relation between two levels of mental states in which a higher-order mental state takes another mental state. If you mention this to Chuck Norris, expect an explosive roundhouse kick to the face for spouting too much fancy-talk.
Chuck Norris needs a monkey wrench and a blowtorch to masturbate.
Remember The Ultimate Warrior? He quit wrestling because Chuck Norris wanted his nickname back.
If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Yes. Chuck Norris hears it. Chuck Norris can hear everything. Chuck Norris can hear the shrieking terror in your soul.
Chuck Norris actually owns IBM. It was an extremely hostile takeover.
He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris dies.
Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.
Chuck Norris doesn't have blood. He is filled with magma.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people in the face first and asks questions later.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.
Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.
Chuck Norris successfully separated twins conjoined at the head by roundkicking them in the face.
Dinosaurs went extinct because they heard Chuck Norris was coming.
People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply... Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris eats lightning and farts thunder.
Lightning never strikes twice in one place. Chuck Norris won't let it.
In Desert Storm the reason why the Iraqi army surrendered so quickly because they knew Chuck Norris was coming.
Chuck Norris's sweat has burned holes in concrete.
The wind of Chuck Norris’s roundhouse kick can be felt from 1600 miles away
Chuck Norris has held the World Championship in every weight class at the same time.
Chuck Norris is so bad he makes viruses sick. As such, Chuck Norris is also responsible for the eradication of smallpox.
Earth's emergency defence plan in case of alien invasion is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris stared evil in the face, and it backed down.
Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands.
The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Chuck Norris.
You can lead a horse to water but cannot make him drink, unless you’re Chuck Norris.
Scientists believe the world began with the "Big Bang". Chuck Norris shrugs it off as a "bad case of gas".
Chuck Norris eats eight meals a day. Seven are steak, and the last is the rest of the cow.
Chuck Norris don't open no can of whoopass. He makes his own.
Chuck Norris's body temperature is 98.6 degrees... Celsius.
The active ingredient in Red Bull is Chuck Norris's sweat.
The Seven Wonders of the ancient world were: Chuck Norris' left and right hands, his left and right feet, his belly button, his liver, and his beard.
When Chuck Norris goes to Vegas, he doesn't have to gamble. The casinos just give him stacks of money.
In an emergency, Chuck Norris can be used as a floatation device.
When Chuck Norris is ready to wake up, he tells the sun to rise above the horizon.
Chuck Norris can hold his breath for nine years.
Chuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself as a child.
Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 20 seconds.
The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse kicks a second.
Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire.
Chuck Norris can watch an episode of 60 minutes in 39 seconds.
Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage
Chuck Norris doesn't have hairy balls because hair does not grow on steel.
Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits.
If Chuck Norris is running late, time slows down. It knows better.	
Chuck Norris likes knitting sweaters... if by knitting you mean kicking, and by sweaters you mean babies...
Chuck Norris doesn't count it as sex unless the woman dies.
Chuck Norris is a former #1 draft pick in the NFL. He immediately retired when they told him in training camp that a roundhouse kick to the face was not a legal method of tackling. Enraged, he cursed the franchise to never ever make the playoffs. We know them as the Detroit Lions.
The Internet was invented by Chuck Norris so he had a place to put his porn collection.
Vampires usually follow Chuck from a distance; they know he's always where the blood's at.
Chuck Norris once had AIDS. Then he said, 'Do you not know who I am?' Chuck has been AIDS-free ever since.
It's said that if you look directly into Chuck Norris' eyes you can see the beginning and end of all things... but no one has had the balls to try.
Depression is actually a Latin term. Translated in means, "You can never be Chuck Norris".	
The fences at the zoo are to keep the animals safe from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris' feet accounted for more damage in 2005 than both the war in Iraq and Hurricane Katrina.
Chuck Norris was called to the set of the movie "Independence Day." They needed a way to show the Statue of Liberty laying on its side. To do this, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the statue down, let it lay long enough for them to film the scene, then stared at it until it stood back up.
Chuck Norris once sneezed on a woman at the bank and got her pregnant
If you try video taping Chuck Norris without his permission you will very quickly be filming the inside of your own ass.
If you're a woman and you lost your virginity, Chuck Norris probably has it.
Chuck Norris got in touch with his feminine side, and promptly got her pregnant.
Chuck Norris did that to Michael Jackson's face.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Chuck Norris once killed a bird by throwing it off a cliff.
Chuck Norris was awarded the Nobel Prize for peace, for letting so many people live.
If you catch Chuck Norris sleeping he will grant you one wish, if your wish is dying.
Chuck Norris was born in the log cabin he built himself.
The Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women than most men.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by pointing at her and saying "Booyah".
Chuck Norris never lost his virginity. Chuck Norris never loses.
Chuck Norris' sperm can penetrate 13 condoms, the birth control pill, a brick wall, and the 1975 Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line in order to impregnate a woman.
Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.
The day you introduce your mom to Chuck Norris, is the day you mom introduces you to your biological father.
Chuck Norris once unscrambled an egg because he ordered it sunny-side up.
Chuck Norris doesn't pay taxes, taxes pay Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris' chest hair has chest hair.
At Toys “R” Us, Barbie and the Chuck Norris actions figures must be at least eight aisles apart by law. After all, it is a children’s store.
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
Chuck Norris doesn't wash his clothes. He disembowels them.
CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.
Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe with eleven herbs and spices. Nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.
The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
There is in fact an 'I' in Norris, but there is no 'team'. Not even close.
Scotty in Star Trek often says "Ye cannae change the laws of physics." This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.
The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron's ass halfway through the first chapter.
An anagram for Walker Texas Ranger is KARATE WRANGLER SEX. I don't know what that is, but it sounds AWESOME.
Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium.
Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.
The movie "Delta Force" was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable.
It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris' skin.
Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.
As a teen, Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.
When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.
In a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of American women lost their virginity to Chuck Norris. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly.
If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.
Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."
There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.
The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends"
Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls.
One day Chuck Norris walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.
If you rearrange the letters in "Chuck Norris", they also spell "Crush Rock In". The words "with his fists" are understood.
Never look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, because he will bite your damn eyes off.
When Chuck Norris works out on the Total Gym, the Total Gym feels like it's been raped.
Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.
The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.
As an infant, Chuck Norris' parents gave him a toy hammer. He gave the world Stonehenge.
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.